Sect Wars

dublin | worker & community struggles and protests | opinion/analysis Monday April 11, 2005 23:55 by Luke Georgias - Georgias Film

Episode IV: A New Pope
Text against a background of Stars:
A Short Time Ago, In a Galaxy not very far away

Opening Crawl:
It was a dark time for the Galaxy
The scattered and divided remnants
of the fourth workers republic were being
Satirised by the dark forces of Windymedia.
Meanwhile the population of the galaxy were held
In thrall by a mysterious force called Darth Papious
Who even from beyond the grave could muster great forces
To the cause of telling big whopping fibs about his eventful life.

Scene 1: Ext. Space

The tranquillity is shattered by the appearance of ‘Windy IE’, a space cruiser that travels the cosmos broadcasting the inane ramblings of the ragtag band that call themselves Windymedia – part of the rabble alliance. Windy IE is quickly followed by the Imperialist Battle Cruiser ‘Justice’. ‘Justice’ opens fire on the ‘Windy IE’ with its powerful Ion Cannons, disabling the rabble ship.

Scene 2: Int. ‘Windy IE’
A white corridor; Rabble troops, clad in long stripy jumpers and black combats lie in wait for the inevitable boarding by Imperialist troops. The perimeter of the access hatch at the end of the corridor glows white-hot and the hatch eventually falls away. Imperialist Sturm Troopers clad in blue armour pour through, firing their blast rifles. The Rabble troops respond with bricks and spanners but soon have to beat a hasty retreat. As the last of the Sturm Troopers enter the ‘Windy IE’ they are followed by the dreaded Darth Dowell. He is dressed all in black with a long black cloak and his face is tattooed blue and yellow. On top of his bald head are four horns. He stops and turns to one of the troopers.

Darth Dowell: Commander, tear this ship apart until you’ve found the Windymedia server. They shall not get away with insulting Darth Papius.

Trooper: Yes oh most progressive one.

Scene 3: Int. ‘Windy IE’
Two droids are scurrying up the corridor trying to avoid the fighting.

R2 – Androo: Beep, Woot, Beep, Whistle.

PatC3P0 : No I won’t go back and fight you little twerp, I’m a keyboard warrior!

R2 –Androo: whistle, fart, boop, weet, weet.

PatC3P0: Don’t start getting delusions of grandeur with me. Some times I think you want to get beaten up by the Sturm Troopers.
R2- Androo: Chirp, peep, oops, bap.

PatC3P0: What do you mean you’re carrying the Windymedia server in your rusty innards? We’ll be disintegrated for sure. Ah an escape pod.

As PatC3P0 is trying to access the escape pod, a team of Sturm Troopers round the corner.

Trooper: Hey you, droids, stop.

R2-Androo: Whoop, Whoop, fook, awfff.

The trooper fires at R2-Androo and the little droid gets hit by the bolt which propels him back until he hits a wall.

R2-Androo: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

PatC3P0: Oh my, don’t shoot, don’t shoot.

Trooper: Or what? You’ll get your union after us? Or the Interstellar Workers’ Committee?

PatC3P0: I’m not in a union, the droid unions are bureaucratic and corrupt! And I hate the IWC as much as you!

Darth Dowell rounds the corner.

Darth Dowell: This droid may be of use to me trooper. Spare him.

Trooper: Yes sir!

Darth Dowell: Droid, Windymedia displeases me greatly. The latest broadcasts which cast a shadow on the character of Darth Papius were the final straw. My master wishes for Darth Papius’s replacement to come from our planet and shutting this operation down will go a long way towards that. Tell me where the server is contained and I may not disintegrate you.

PatC3P0: Well, errr, em..

Darth Dowell: Where is the server? Do you understand me droid?

PatC3P0: Of course sir. I am fluent in over six million forms of bullshit.

Darth Dowell (pointing menacingly): Then tell me, where is the Windymedia server?

PatC3P0: Its, its in the droid your trooper just blasted.

Darth Dowell: Excellent. Now Trooper, take these two droids to be disintegrated!

PatC3P0: But Sir…

Scene 4: Int. IWC headquarters.
Taf P’ter and Saun Tonois are writing articles for SocialistGalaxy.net in the offices of the IWC on the planet Londellia. There is a beeping coming from the control panel.

Taf P’ter: That sounds like a distress beacon Saun. Check it out.

Saun Tonois: Aww no not those annoying Windymedia shits. They’ve been boarded again.

Taf P’ter: I suppose we’d better do something. Where are they?

Saun Tonois: Dublooine system. I’ll call Kevloc Maclin and see can he get some forces together.

Taf P’ter: They’ll have to do something. Only our tendency can sort out this mess!

Scene5: Int. Fighter Ship:
Obi Throne Jenobi, the IWC renegade also picks up the signal.

Obi Throne Jenobi: Windymedia are in trouble? Must take direct action now.

Scene6: Ext. Space
Obi Throne Jenobi’s ship enters hyperspace.

Scene7: Ext. Space.
The ships of the Galactic Workers Party are circling the ‘Windy IE’ and ‘Justice’. They have placards sticking out of the cockpits with slogans such as End the Occupation of Windymedia. Their plac-cannon also fires placards at any passing ships making it look like there are far more of them than there actually are. A squadron of IWC ships appear. A conversation ensues across the GWP comlinks.

Macfar Doneigh: IWC ships approaching.

Al Keren: Tell them to get lost this is our protest!

Bar Roboyd: Don’t be so hasty. Ask them if they’ll join our No to Boarding Cruisers campaign.

Al Keran: Our what now? Oh I see what you mean.

Macfar Doneigh: I’ll hail them. (he taps on the control panel of his ship)
IWC ships. We request that you dissolve your protest into ours and join the no to boarding cruisers campaign, as we were here first.

The IWC ships are now in the field of the protest. Captain Phaddon receives the hail.

Tier Phaddon: What the hell are ye on about. There’s no such thing as the No to Boarding Cruisers campaign. We’ve got every right to have our own protest, unless you want to form a committee to organise a broad campaign on a democratic basis.
Bar Roboyd: Phaddon, this is Roboyd, what are your terms.

Tier Phaddon: Admit that the restoration of capitalism in the USSR was a counterrevolutionary event and we’ll talk .

Al Keren: No way. It was a sideward step! A sideward step!

Kevloc Mackin: Why are we even talking to these idiots? Lets board that cruiser. Phadon, Jiggins, cover me I’m going in.

A battle ensues. IWC fighters go ship to ship with Imperialist fighters. The GWP, having got all the photographs they need for the next issue of Galactic Worker clear off. As the battle rages, a lone ship slips through unnoticed by both sides.

Scene 8: Int. ‘Windy IE’
Obi Throne Jenobi, having slipped through the battle has boarded the ship and is making his way to confront the Imperialist troops. As he rounds a corner he runs into Darth Dowell, the Sturm troopers and the droids. The troopers open fire. Obi Throne ignites his laser sword and deflects some of the laser bolts but gets hit by one on the arm, yet he keeps going. Dowell ignites his laser sword too and signals the troopers to stand aside.

Obi Throne Jenobi: Must fight to win.

Darth Dowell: You are no match for the power of the state Obi Throne.

They do battle, matching each other blow for blow until Dowell finally gets the better of him and chops off his arm. Just as Dowell is about to finish him off Kevloc Mackin, Hoe Jiggins and Tier Phaddon arrive on the scene.

Hoe Jiggins: You’re mine Dowell.

Jiggins runs to Dowell igniting his laser sword as the other two enter a gun battle with the troopers.

Darth Dowell: I shall take great pleasure in finishing you off Jiggins.

They do battle, seeming evenly matched it looks like the fight will go on indefinitely, until around the corner comes Mull Cahee, another comrade of the IWC armed with only a very large book. He throws it at Darth Dowell hitting him on the head. The dark minister falls to the ground.

Mull Cahee: Ancient weapons and hokey religions are no match for a good copy of The History of The Russian Revolution at your side. It’s a bloody big book.

PatC3P0: Praise be the maker we’re saved!

R2-Androo- Burp Weet Statist Fooks. Kronstadt, Kronstadt, Kronstadt.

PatC3P0 – I’m afraid my little companion here is malfunctioning. I’ll take him down to maintenance.

Obi Throne Jenobi: What bloody kept yis. I’m after losing an arm waiting.

Kevloc Mackin – There’s no pleasing old Obi Throne.

All laugh heartily.

Cue End Credits.

Next: Episode V: The Imperialists Strike Back.