Resistance shows Ban the Surge

international | crime and justice | news report Friday March 23, 2007 17:52 by Foreign Correspondents - BBC World News

US' chief-puppet tastes a blast of potent Baghdad laxative

The US' chief-puppet Ban Ki-moon's bowels were today involuntarily loosened by a nearby rocket blast which interrupted a brown-nosing session with the 'Iraqi' Prime Quisling Nouri Maliki inside the Invader's Greed Zone in Baghdad.

dateline: 22 March 2007, Baghdad

SpaceMonkey, braced for Lift-Off

Cloth-ears Maliki had just finished telling the assembled presstitutes that Mr Ban's visit was a "sure sign Iraq is on the road to stability". He then wiped the foam from his chin as Mr Ban dutifully began to mumble out the platitudes written on flash-cards for him by US CentCom's General CockEye Kimmitt during the live televised event. Also present were a bunch of embedded warmongering Hush-Puppies and the British Viceroy to the Colony, who had come to grind his organ and see the new monkey perform its tricks, when a powerful rocket landed about 50 metres from the building, causing Ban-Ki-BOOM to instinctively duck and deposit several bricks of compacted shite onto the stage.

Attended immediately by his personal physician, the diagnosis was quickly returned that Mr Ban-Ki-BOOM had not been physically harmed by the bomb, but that his testicles appeared to have retracted into his body, like a rabbit, and that his chronic constipation had been temporarily relieved by the sudden expulsion of 4kg bodyweight. "Ah yes, I have felt the Surge, an urge to purge", squeaked the midgit castratto.

No-one bothered to check on 'Dead-Man-Walking' Maliki, who had shown no reaction at all to the blast, but from a distance he seemed ok, though he will likely have a damp shadow on his lungs, due to steam inhalation from Ban-Ki-BOOM's sour cloud. In any case he continued to chew the cud, as calmly as a hindu cow on drugs. His pupils have been abnormally dilated since last September.

The US' chief-puppet had earlier snuck into Baghdad like a thief, on his first secret visit since being fitted with new strings in January this year to replace the previous mealy-mouthed Mannequin, whose name or label nobody can now remember.

Iraqi television showed live footage of Ban-Ki-BOOM and Maliki dancing on a puppet-stage - suddenly, as a Hush-Puppy journaillist pompously coughed up a rehearsed butterball question, there was a massive bang, at which moment the camera shook and juddered to the left. Buildings and windows shook when the huge explosion reverberated throughout the city shortly after 1530 (1230 GMT), and Ban-Ki-BOOM felt the wing of the Angel of Death brush the back of his empty head. Chunks of debris could then be seen falling from the ceiling above Mr Ban-Ki-BOOM, who did not delay in hauling his shrivelled yellow pecker to the airport.

A blank-eyed USA-Rapist Spokesdrone commented that in future their whore-gopher will wear adult diapers, borrowed post-haste from those US Latrine Corpse GameBoyz hiding out back in the Greed Zone.

Meanwhile, word on Haifa Street had it that most Iraqis remain united in their hunger to see the scurvy running-dogs of US Imperialism being 'DeMellowed' on live TV (which they call 'Getting The Nobel Prize') as a sharp warning to all would-be quislings and collaborators that there will be NO IMPUNITY for Crimes against Humanity, not even for those who recently began to carry the water. In any case, it was generally felt that it will be a long day indeed before this particular filthy US-puppet returns to Iraq for a final dose of reality, if indeed he managed to escape at all in one piece past the well-placed Resistance 'Strela' teams operating daily around Saddam City Airport.

A reliable source from Mujahideen Resistance Intelligence later stated that its 5th Column inside US-CentCom had been able to identify Ban-Ki-BOOM's top-secret itinerary and exfiltrate the data on exact location in time to mount the targetted-strike operation, which unfortunately failed due to an unreliable US-built GPS-unit integrated in the warhead guidance system. Therefore, the Resistance have vowed to only use the superior Russian GLONASS system for his next visit, and hopes that he will return soon, once his balls have dropped.

Víve la Résistance!